An Excerpt From My Book - Do I have A Story?

The Road Well Traveled

A Modern Day Look at the Woman at the Well

A story of pain and struggles ultimately leading to peace and strength

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;

1 Corinthians 1:27

CHAPTER ONE

The Journey Back

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

       It was October, 1993 and everything felt surreal.  As I lay on the confines of the gurney in the ambulance I could not help but think surely this could not be happening again!  Even in the midst of the chaos going on in my mind I could tell the ambulance was taking longer than necessary to get to the hospital.  It was only a 5-minute ride from my apartment, but I knew more than 5 minutes had already passed.  A wave of unwanted but familiar terror raced through my body.  As the anxiety gripped my very soul I braced myself for what was to come next. You see, this was all too familiar to me as I had been down this well traveled road before.

       “Aren’t we going to Northeast Baptist?”  I asked of the calm but distant looking ambulance attendant, hoping he couldn’t sense the fear I had become so accustomed to concealing.

       “Haven’t we passed it?”  I continued.  Once again hoping, if I continued talking he wouldn’t be able to answer.  And if he couldn’t answer me then he wouldn’t be able to say something I didn’t want to hear. Halleluiah! I thought.

"Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled."     Psalms 6:2

       This wasn't my first ride in an ambulance under these same circumstances, but surely I had been convincing in telling the paramedics that this time was truly an accident.  I had no idea how many pills I had taken this trip around. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just wanted the physical pain in my stomach to go away. I had no idea how much God was protecting me or what He had in store for me. This nightmare would end up being the best ride of my life.

       "We're not going to Northeast Baptist Hospital ma'am.”

       "Why not, where are we going?” I guardedly asked, uneasy about his first answer.  His hesitation was no longer than a moment, but it seemed like the silence was forever, making me wonder if he was going to say what I was thinking.  If I pretended not to know what I thought he was thinking, then he wouldn’t say “it.”

       “We’re going to University Hospital ", the attendant said cautiously, in spite of me thinking I could get into his head and make him say something else.

       "Why are we going there?”  Not fully understanding what was ahead of me.  “I have insurance.  Why aren't we going to Northeast Baptist?  Why do I have to go to another hospital?  I always go to Northeast Baptist?  I have insurance.  I can pay.”  I even sounded desperate to myself.  The restlessness was becoming more and more apparent at this point.  The more I tried to convince the attendants that I was in control, the more anxious I became.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

Philippians 4:6

       Once again the attendant hesitated in responding to my question.  Could he see through the mask that was so much a part of me that even I could no longer see the real me?  I had lived most of my life wearing many masks which appeared as though I had it all ‘together’ and in perfect control of my life.  But the real person underneath those masks wanted to disappear.  At best I wanted to vanish into nothingness because of the fear of everyone and everything!

       As I tried to continue to look as though I was in control of my emotions I was becoming more and more distraught.  I wondered if he could sense the fear that overwhelmed me at that time.  Inside my head I could hear the sound of my voice screaming, “calm down.”  With a shaky voice I asked, "Where's University Hospital and why do you have to take me there?  I told you I have insurance and I always go to Northeast Baptist.  Why do I have to go there?" 

       All I wanted was a little medical attention and then I would be able to go back home.  So I thought. I attempted to sit up, hoping to get some idea where we were and where we were going.

       Finally, he said, "It's about 15 minutes away, ma'am.  Just try and relax.  We'll be there soon."

He only answered part of my question.  Why were they taking me to another hospital!?!  Then the dreaded words came: 

       "University Hospital is where we have to take people that can't pay," he said in a matter of fact tone. 

       "I told you I have insurance.  Why won't you listen to me?"  I demanded.

       Then...

       "Ma'am, we have to take everyone there who attempts suicide." 

       Have you ever been so fearful that you feel as though the blood in your veins has turned to ice water?  At that time, no one could tell me that was not actually happening.  The fear had turned to panic.

       "But I didn't try to kill myself this time!  It was an accident!  You don't understand!  It was an accident!"  I screamed at him.

       "Calm down lady!  If you don't calm down we're going to have to tie you down."

       "But I don't want to go to University Hospital!  I have insurance!  I can pay!  I didn't try to kill myself!  I didn't try to kill myself this time.  It was an accident!  I tell you it was an accident!"

       But was it?!?

       It took many years for me to realize that what I really wanted was for the emotional turmoil to end, not my life.  But at that time I would do and did anything I could to stop the sting caused by the enormous pain in my heart and mind.  The thoughts of rejection, shame, humiliation, guilt and despair constantly invaded my thoughts so that it affected every part of my life, preventing me from focusing on the One who knew and knows all my troubles.  I had accepted Christ into my life July 26, 1980, but the struggles of sanity and sin plagued me so much I often thought there’s no way I could be saved. The guilt of falling back into sin after sin haunted me with guilt heaped upon guilt I was already been carrying from the past.

       I didn’t know then that I had a choice to re-focus those ugly, demeaning thoughts by focusing on the wonderful promises of God, or by meditating on the person of Jesus and His attributes.  I had read many times in His Word about God’s wisdom, knowledge, goodness and grace towards me, but somehow it didn’t penetrate into my heart.  I couldn’t understand that I could choose to replace those dreadful thoughts with the thoughts of Christ.  Or I could have focused on the prophecies and plan of God pointing to His Son’s appearance, especially in the Old Testament.  I love the Old Testament. What about focusing on the Gospel accounts of the life of Christ -- from His nativity to His death, resurrection and ascension?  Oh how I needed to understand these things!

       Many Christians are able to grasp this simple application of re-focusing on the goodness of God when things go awry and “those” thoughts bombard the mind.  Then there are those like me; when I became a Christian I didn’t understand how to practically “give it to God” or what it meant by “take every thought captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ.” I could see the verses and know what they meant, but I was not able to apply them to my shredded life. But at that time, in the beginning of my journey with Jesus, it was hard for me to understand His love for me, let alone that He loves me unconditionally and that He was the way out of the pain in my heart and mind.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.  Philippians 4:8

       Have you ever known something for sure in your head because you see it, you hear it and you read it over and over again, but for some reason it just doesn’t register in your heart and soul?  By the time this ambulance trip to the hospital came around I had read so many times that God loves me and that He’ll never leave me nor forsake me.  Now I was about to get the opportunity to experience first-hand the reality and practicality of that very fact.

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